Update on 4/12/2010: Spirit Airlines and Ryan Air stole my idea
American Airlines charged me $30, just because I had to buy the ticket at the airport POS. Surely the economy must have done a lot of bad to the already historically loss-making airline industry. So while I am waiting to board the flight here are some of the fee ideas I am giving American and other airlines. I hope they will give me 1% of what they make by adopting these ideas:
You have to appreciate my brilliance, because airline companies in US are already notorious for charging all kinds of fees — most famously checked bag fee and obese passenger fee (not directly, but through coercion)
- Toilet usage fee — Passengers have to buy coupons prior to boarding the flight for use of toilets aboard the aircraft. One coupon per use. Coupons can also be bought onboard, but they are 2.5 times pricier. You cannot stink up the aircraft. If you do so, the Sky Marshal will handcuff you, which will disable you from cleaning up after yourself…which will further the stink…which…..you get the idea.
- Trash-found-in-the-front-seat-pocket fee — Lets accept it. Everyone of us has at some point in our life felt lazy to drop the cups and napkins in the trash cover. You can’t do it any more, because (as per this idea), they will check the pocket before you leave and charge you for it. You will also be put on a “aircraft trashers” watch-list. Bad.
- Security disobedience fee — If you don’t watch the crew demonstrate safety instructions or don’t wear seatbelts when asked to do so or don’t obey the standard “please bring your seat upright and close the tray table” instruction, you will be charged a fee. There is also a FAA surcharge for this fee.
- Incorrect boarding sequence fee — You really never had any business handing your boarding pass to the agent, when you were in Group 4 and they were calling Group 2. It still is not your business. But it is a business opportunity for them. You not only have to pay a fee, but will be pushed to the end of line. You wont even get space to put your laptop bag.
- Inflight magazine fee — Don’t worry. You don’t have to buy the magazine. But if you fill up the sudokus and crosswords and scrabbles, or tear out pages for your later use, you will not only pay a fee, but subscribe to that magazine for the next 12 months. S&H; extra.
- My-life-is-worth-something fee — In an event of an emergency, some passengers’ lives are worthier than others. How? You will pay a fee upfront based on your annual compensation.
- You-pushed-the-wrong-button fee — Every single time — I mean every single time — the crew announce the cabin lights will be turned off and people can turn on their reading lights, atleast 50% of the passengers will hit the “call” button. Not any more my friend. In addition to paying a fee, you will carry a placard around your neck that says “I am a moron” all the way to the airport exit.
Let me come up with more while I am flying home. Happy flying!